


echoes from the breakdown

by MarvelousMenagerie (HiddenOne)



Series: 2020 Tony Stark Bingo [16]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Eventual Happy Ending, Forgiveness is Tony's superpower, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Reconciliation, Secrets, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenOne/pseuds/MarvelousMenagerie
Summary: On a mission gone wrong, Bucky breaks down. With Bucky and team signed under the Accords, the fallout of his mistakes could break the team apart all over again. Natasha won't let that happen.Turns out Tony won't let that happen either.Secrets had divided them before, but now maybe a shared secret can pull the three of them together.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Natasha Romanov/Tony Stark
Series: 2020 Tony Stark Bingo [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598911
Comments: 68
Kudos: 116
Collections: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020, Tony Stark Bingo 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For Tony Stark Bingo square S2 - worst case scenario  
> Creator Number 3036  
> Also for Bucky Barnes Bingo square C5 - crack
> 
> Also massive thank you to Wiggle who cheered and beta'd and helped brainstorm this fic!!

Natasha burst out of the stairwell. The screams had gone quiet over the comms, which meant she was out of time. 

Bucky’s voice, raw and pained, had scratched at her own throat. She swallowed, trying to bury the feeling along with the fear. Hearing him like that chilled her to her core, and she didn’t have time to chase away the ghosts of bloody hospital rooms that seemed to have taken root in her chest and made it harder to breathe. 

She needed to be faster. She needed to be there, where he was, for whatever was happening. 

Voices filled her ear, but that was the rest of the team. Steve, shouting, asking for Bucky’s location and demanding for more information. Sam, saying Bucky had gone to the lower levels. Clint, checking in, and not close enough. 

Her comm was on, but she kept silent and focused on running. She needed to get there first. She needed to see, needed to direct the fallout. 

Bucky would be alive. Of that, she had no doubt. Those had not been screams of physical torture, but one of a mind breaking. Something had happened, and she was already too late to stop it. But now the scales had tipped, and it mattered more what Bucky had done then what had been done to him. This was the rule they lived under now. 

She just needed to get there first. Of all the secrets she carried, this one would weigh nothing. 

Turning down the hallway, she stumbled to a stop in an open doorway. She knew, without seeing Bucky, that she had found him. 

It wasn’t a blood bath. 

It was better, and it was worse. People, so many people, lay scattered and broken on the floor, all the wrong angles for life. Minimal blood, though still a mess. 

It was both better and worse because it meant no witnesses. She didn’t have to kill any agents left standing because everyone was all already dead. It was up to her to tell the story, her and Bucky. They had control.

She turned her head and saw Bucky kneeling on the floor. 

And then she saw the Iron Man armor standing over him. 

* * *

Longing. 

It took a moment for the word to filter, to translate from Russian to English and back again. By the time he realized, he heard more. 

Rusted. 

Furnace.

His heart screamed and his mind cowered. 

Daybreak. 

He doesn’t realize that he is screaming “No!” again and again and again.

Seventeen.

Later, he will remember his throat aching.

_CRACK_

Later, he will remember the sound of bones breaking. 

_CRACK_

Later, he will remember the sound of metal hitting flesh.

_CRACK_

Benign. Nine! _Homecom-_

Later, he will remember putting his hand through the throat of the man screaming the words, those damning specific words. He will remember squeezing, squeezing so tight that bone and flesh shatter in his fist. 

Crack.

Later, later, later. So much will hit him later. That this wasn’t his first mission with the Avengers. This wasn’t even his fifth. He was a veteran now, had signed the Accords and agreed to play by the rules. The trigger words were gone from his mind, and he had no reason to fear them now. 

He had no reason. He had no excuse. He had no justification. 

Bucky’s brain went silent. 

He sunk to his knees in the middle of all this destruction. He had done this. He had chosen to do this. This was him, not the Winter Soldier, not the brainwashing. He was not under Hydra’s command any longer, but he still played their game. 

They spoke, and he acted. 

He killed.

He was a certified Avenger bound to a different set of rules - rules that will hang him for what he has done - and yet he was surrounded by the same destruction pattern. Bucky, the Winter Soldier, the Asset, the Avenger. They are one in the same and they haven’t changed. They are only fit for destruction, for damage, for rage - 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky Barnes Bingo square B1 - mission gone wrong

It was better, and it was worse. Better, because it wasn’t Steve. Steve wouldn’t be able to keep his damn mouth shut over the comms, wouldn’t think to remain silent like Tony was. 

Yet this was worse, this was worse, this was worse, because Tony was the champion of the Accords. Tony who she had crossed in the end. Tony who was never under her control, never fell to her manipulations. Tony who saw her. 

Tony who had given her a third chance, and now this would ruin it. This had to be her last; even Tony had his limits. 

Except - except Tony hadn’t said anything over the comms. 

Steve was still yelling, demanding for everyone to report. The team was swooping in on their location. Tony knew this. He knew this and stayed silent. 

Natasha took out her comm and dared to hope. 

“Please,” she whispered once, just the once. Please let them be together on this.

She was begging him, the main supporter of the Accords. 

But Tony was also the person who would cut the wire. Tony knew when to change the rules when the rules didn’t work. Natasha was the one at his side as he fought for amendments to the Accords to protect the Avengers even now. 

Tony knew the rule book, and he hadn’t said anything over the comms. He hadn’t announced finding Bucky. 

She had a chance, a chance to keep her rapport with Tony and control the fallout. 

The helmet retracted, and Natasha was looking into Tony’s face. His eyes were wild, his breathing fast. Was he in shock? Or was that rage? She couldn’t tell, and she didn’t dare move. She needed to make the choice that would tip the balance in one specific direction. 

The problem was that Tony Stark was a good man. 

For all the death and destruction that Tony had seen, this would sicken him. Natasha herself had to blur out the details of her vision, how the sight of something so wrong sunk into her stomach and twisted. Tony, who took everything in, Tony, who would never be able to forget, Tony, who would remember this forever. 

She held his eyes, and she begged him. 

Bucky was catatonic at Tony’s feet, his eyes wide open and glassy. There was only the sound of his breathing, ragged and hoarse, and the trembling of his hands. Even his metal fist shook. 

She didn’t dare speak again and break the quiet. Did Tony teeter on the edge of a decision, or was he just drawing this out? She clutched her comm in her hand, knowing that time was ticking down. If Tony didn’t make a decision, that would be the decision. 

He knelt down and reached out. Slowly, slowly he pulled the comm from Bucky’s ear and set it on the ground. There wouldn’t be a ping from the rebound on the cement, no audio to track when the fall was made. 

The Accords meant someone was always listening, always waiting to pounce. Monitoring the comms was supposed to save them - yes, that order was given, and no, there was no other option at the time - but it was evidence, a way to track, and Natasha had never been one keen on leaving a trail for someone to follow. 

The less ground you gave someone to attack you on was the best defense. 

Tony had, to Natasha’s knowledge, always fallen into the camp where more information was better. But here, now, Tony lowered Bucky’s comm to the floor. Established a reason for why Bucky hadn’t responded. 

Bucky didn’t move. 

Tony started whispering, too low of a sound to carry. Too low to be picked up by Bucky’s comm on the floor. Natasha couldn’t hear, but she dared to approach, her steps quiet. 

She put her earpiece back in. She heard Steve’s voice, tight and controlled and giving out a command to search the floor above them. She took the comm out again. 

“Tony,” she warned. 

Tony huffed and reached out, not slow enough, not careful enough, and lifted Bucky to his feet. 

He sagged in Tony’s grip, lost in his own mind. 

Natasha wondered if that was for the best. One less witness to this mess that she and Tony were crafting. 

“Go,” she said. “I’ll handle this.”

Tony’s eyes were piercing.

“Start running,” he said softly. Too softly to be picked up by her and Bucky’s comms. “I’ll catch up.”

Tony hefted Bucky over a dead body and handed him over. Natasha took Bucky and stumbled under the weight of Bucky’s lax form and the knowledge that Tony wasn’t just going to remain silent. 

Tony was going to actively help her help Bucky. They would do this together.

Natasha’s heart soared as she staggered toward the exit. Bucky’s feet stumbled along just enough to keep them upright. She heard the spray of liquid behind her, of Tony moving from corner to corner to coat the room. 

She slipped her earpiece back in and heard Steve commanding her for an update.

“I’ve got Barnes. He’s out of it.” There was no disguising that fact. 

“We gotta move, Cap. I’ve got a fire on one of the lower levels here,” Tony said over the comms, his voice clipped. 

Heat pressed against Natasha’s back, and she wondered what Tony had hidden away in his suit. 

“Where? Natasha, what’s your location?” Steve pressed. “What happened to Bucky?” 

“If you’re in the southwest corner get clear. This thing is hot and there’s too many unknown chemicals. Nat, where are you?” Tony asked, like she hadn’t only made it a few feet from the room he was in. 

“Natasha! Report!” Steve said, fear in his voice. 

“Level seven. Too close to the southwest corner.” 

She didn’t have to fake the tightness in her voice. Bucky was heavy.

“I’m on it, Cap,” Tony promised. 

She heard the sound of repulsors behind her and then she was scooped up. She clung to Tony’s shoulders and kept a hand on Bucky just in case, but Tony had both of them secure. 

“I’ve got two ex-assassins, hot and ready, do I have any takers?” Tony joked as he booked it down the hallway. 

Natasha closed her eyes rather than watch Tony take the tight corners. Her stomach couldn’t take anymore twists. 

“Where are you?” Steve pressed. “And what happened to Bucky?”

“Everyone get clear of this thing, FRIDAY is calculating a lot of explosions happening soon. Do I need to do any more pickups?” 

A chorus of coordination happened over the comms, where Sam picked up Clint and got him clear while everyone else had sightlines to an exit. There was the boom of an explosion, and Tony called out an approximate countdown for a safety window.

They gathered together a safe distance away, Tony setting Bucky practically into Steve’s arms. 

“No, no -” Bucky said, his voice hoarse. “No, I can’t - I can’t do this, I can’t -”

“Bucky? Buck, it’s me. It’s Steve Rogers.” Steve held Bucky and tried to get Bucky to focus on his face. “Bucky? Bucky Barnes? Bucky, it’s Steve.”

Bucky’s eyes focused on Steve, recognition flooding his face. 

Then shame. 

Natasha slid over next to him, keeping one hand on Tony to make him stay close. 

“I don’t know what happened down there,” she said. “But Bucky, you’re going to be okay. We’ll make sure of it.”

Bucky looked at her, his face twisted in anguish. He opened his mouth, probably to tell her what he’d done.

“I promise we’ll sort it out,” Natasha interrupted. She put all the warning she could into her gaze without making Steve suspicious. “Just hang tight, okay? We’ll get you back to Compound and get you checked out.”

Bucky nodded, his expression blanking. He would play her game, she hoped, even as Steve took Bucky away back toward the jet. 

She tucked her hair behind her ear and slipped her comm out again. 

Tony retracted the helmet, but he was looking at the bunker they’d raided rather than at her face. “It’s my fault. I didn’t realize AIM had ties to Hydra.” 

“Hydra?” Natasha swore quietly. “Thank you.”

Tony sneered, and seeing it made her frown.

“It’s not a crime to have mercy, Tony.” 

She was afraid that mercy had been beaten out of her already. She didn’t want that for Tony. 

“But what we did is, isn’t it? Thought we were supposed to be the good guys.”

“What you just did? That was being a good guy.” She squeezed his arm and wondered if it would be too forward to kiss his cheek. She cupped his face instead, hoping she’d be allowed the touch. 

She was. 

She smiled, more genuinely than she would’ve thought possible after everything. “Don’t beat yourself up about it, okay?”

“You know I will.”

Natasha shook her head and retracted her arm. “I know.” 

She saw Clint watching, his eyebrow raised in question. 

“Clean-up time,” she said, tucking her comm back in her ear. 

“Guess it’s a good thing you’re so good at that,” Tony said blandly. 

Natasha glared.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Tony Stark Bingo square R4 - KINK: Stripping  
> Creator # 3036

Tony was a fucking hypocrite. He’d signed the Accords, fought over the Accords, split up the team over the Accords and now - on a whim - he’d discarded them.

Sure he could justify himself. As he trudged out of another long-ass recap, leaving Steve behind to get raked over the coals by Ross some more, he knew it wasn’t just his and the team’s time he was saving. He was saving Barnes’ sanity, saving Steve from terrible choices, saving the Avengers from being split yet again. 

Because what were the other options? Best case scenario, the Committee slaps Barnes on the wrist. Regardless, someone in the know would take a bribe and leak the story to the press, which would start another cycle of ‘can we trust the Winter Soldier and the rest of the Avengers.’ Ross would use that to fight Tony’s attempts to change the Accords, and they’d be worse off then where they started. That was the best case. 

The most likely scenario was that Barnes would backslide after the Committee analyzed and reviewed every move he’d ever made, Steve would get up in arms, and the Avengers would once again find themselves straddling a rift in the team that had yet to heal beyond the surface. 

Worst case scenario, Barnes would get kicked off the team and too many of the rest of the Avengers would join him and Ross would try to mix his military guys in with those who remained and - 

And Tony saw that going a _lot_ worse. 

The Accords weren’t what he wanted, not yet. He saw what they could be and what they would be when he forced them into the proper shape. They still needed the Accords and the oversight it was just - 

They weren’t there yet. The Committee didn’t have any mercy to give, the members too skeptical and uptight after what happened over the initial signing. Tony was just managing to keep a pinky on the wheel to help steer this, while the Committee had no qualms about trying to rip it off. 

Natasha helped. She stood at his side, or Tony stood at hers - it was a combination of the two, at least - for all the meetings and the paperwork and the planning sessions. Rhodey helped when he could, but Rhodey had to focus on healing. T’challa had political battles to fight on behalf of Wakanda which were of equal importance. 

Even Steve was too tired to fight much anymore, though Tony thought that was more about storing ammunition up for a later battle than truly giving up. Eventually Steve would erupt with the entire list of the reasons the Accords weren’t working - as if Tony didn’t know and deal with the faults every hour of every day. 

Tony was surprised, and yet somehow not, that it was Natasha stepping over the mess of what happened to work with him and get the job done. 

She didn’t even seem to hate it. 

But now, it was Tony breaking the Accords. He had disabled his own video and audio recordings, patching them together so no one would realize that he’d erased footage. He was deliberately hiding evidence of Barnes’ breakdown, of Barnes’ excessive use of force. 

Hydra again. It always seemed to come back to Hydra. 

If Tony had done his job of knowing AIM’s connections, they all would’ve been prepared. Barnes would’ve been prepared. Tony couldn’t blame Barnes for the breakdown, not in the heat of battle and to get hit with the trigger words and - 

And this, they could solve in-house. It wasn’t civilians. Tony would never cover up that shit if it was. This had been Hydra operatives, and Tony wasn’t going to risk the team over Hydra. 

Barnes had been in medical, missing the post-mission recap. He was getting checked over. Getting help. That was more important than dragging the man up in front of the Accords Committee and asking why Barnes had escalated the level of violence.

That would still happen, since Barnes going silent in the mission and coming out catatonic was obvious, but Natasha would help Barnes figure out how to spin a plausible story. 

Nothing like the truth, Tony was sure. 

That room had been - his stomach had wanted to crawl out of his mouth. 

“I need your help,” Natasha said quietly, pulling him aside in the hallway. 

Tony raised an eyebrow. He wanted a shower and then his bed. 

“What.”

“Please.” 

Tony sighed and followed because even if he couldn’t trust her completely, it was still Natasha. She was still the one he could trust the most, with Rhodey still doing physical therapy and Pepper on the West Coast proving she could be the CEO without needing to date Tony, with Happy protecting Pepper and Peter staying as far back from the Avengers and the Accords as Tony could keep the kid. 

It was still Natasha, and their agendas lined up for the moment, so Tony followed. 

She pushed the button for Barnes’ floor. 

“What the hell, Nat?” Tony sighed, too tired for anger.

“Steve is still with the Committee and you’re already involved,” she said calmly.

“Isn’t he down in medical anyway?” 

“Got cleared. He made it out until -” The elevator doors opened and Natasha nodded her head at Barnes in the hallway. 

He was sitting against the wall, curled up in a ball. He didn’t move as they approached. 

Tony wanted to argue about sending Barnes _back_ to medical, but he didn’t bother. None of the Avengers could trust that the medical team wouldn’t talk to the Committee, and it wasn’t like the super soldier had sustained any physical injuries.

“Bucky?” Natasha asked softly as she edged closer. “Bucky, Tony and I are going to help you, okay? We just want to get you to your room.”

Bucky shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t.”

“Let us help you. Please?”

Tony wondered when Natasha started being so polite when offering her help.

Barnes was still in his gear from the mission. There was fluid seeped into the fabric, and Tony hoped the medical team hadn’t made a special note of it. Barnes’ chest shuddered as he breathed, and Tony also hoped he didn’t have any extra guns or knives on him in this state.

Or maybe he should call the suit. 

Tony crouched down, though he stayed a few feet away from Barnes to let the man have his space. 

“Natasha’s right. You’ll feel better once you’re out of your gear. Like you’re able to breathe again.”

Barnes looked up, his gaze meeting Tony’s. Tony held that fear-filled, blue-eyed stare. 

“I shouldn’t be here,” Barnes whispered.

“Somewhere else you’d rather be?” Tony asked, inflecting humor into his calm tone. “I’ll have you know that I decked this space out special for you, Terminator.”

Bucky grimaced, but his gaze was more aware. Natasha slid closer and Bucky let her help him to his feet. 

“Was thinkin’ a cell,” Bucky said softly. 

“Not yet.”

“Tony.” Natasha glared. 

Tony rubbed his brow. “Look, about what happened today - I didn’t know Hydra was connected to AIM.” 

And the Accords committee still didn’t know. No one knew, other than the three of them, because Tony had no proof about Hydra since he erased the footage for Barnes. But now that Tony knew, he would find the evidence that he needed. That wasn’t the problem. 

“It’s my fault. If I’d known, we would’ve tackled the facility differently and you wouldn’t have ended up on your own, probably wouldn’t have even set foot inside.”

Barnes shook his head. “I did it. It’s my fault. I - I killed them. With the Accords, I should be -”

Tony stepped close and risked putting a hand on Barnes’ shoulder. 

“That Committee doesn’t have enough respect for breakdowns. I was there, at the end.” Tony swallowed as he remembered. “I heard the trigger words.”

Here, he wasn’t worried about being overheard. Tony was the only one with mechanical eyes and ears throughout the Avengers Compound. 

“I thought the trigger words didn’t work anymore,” Natasha said. 

“They don’t.” Bucky gulped. “It was - it was me.”

“No brainwashing,” Tony confirmed. “Just a crazy severe case of PTSD. Barnes, look at me.”

Barnes tilted his chin up, his face accepting. Always ready for punishment. 

But Tony wasn’t going to be the one to give it, not for this.

“I’m not saying what you did was right, but you don’t deserve whatever the Committee would throw at you. Okay? You don’t. You had a breakdown, you didn’t hurt any civilians, and we’re going to handle this inside, this time, okay? Just us. Because the Accords aren’t where they need to be, not for this.”

Barnes didn’t look like he believed Tony. 

“Come on.” Natasha jostled Barnes’ shoulder. “You two can talk about feelings while you get cleaned up.”

“Haven’t you heard? I don’t have any of those, I’m just a cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner,” Tony said. 

“That was a lot for one line,” Bucky said, his voice rasping.

“Oh good, we’re trading jokes now,” Tony said. “See? All fine, no feelings here.”

Natasha gave him a small smile. 

Natasha and Barnes stumbled down the hallway, back to the bedroom, and Tony glanced back at the elevator with longing before he slowly followed. Natasha whispered something in Barnes’ ear and Barnes huffed a laugh, and Tony crossed his arms and trudged behind. 

Why was he even here? Tony thought his plan on avoiding the man who had killed his mom had been going _great_ so far. Yet here he was, walking into Barnes’ bedroom. 

“Come on. Get out of your gear so you can breathe. Like Tony said.” Natasha directed Barnes onto his bed. 

“Right.” Barnes’ fingers fumbled at the catches of his uniform, not making any progress.

Tony snorted. “How the hell did medical let you go?”

Barnes looked up, his blue eyes icy and hard. Murderous. 

Tony raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “What, and they fell for that?”

Barnes grunted. “Think how scared they’ll be when they find out that I slaughtered -” Barnes faltered.

“They _were_ enemies,” Natasha clarified. She started unbuckling Bucky’s gear. “Tony?”

There she went again, asking. As nice as it was, it was also suspicious. Tony approached Barnes warily, but not because he was afraid the man was going to snap. He couldn’t imagine Barnes was all that fond of him either.

“They aren’t going to find out.” Tony sighed and dropped to one knee so he could start unlacing the boots. He was the old guy here, why did he have to do this?

Barnes flinched, recoiling from Tony’s touch.

Tony froze, and he met Barnes’ stare. Now Barnes’ eyes were wild and bright. 

“Let him help. He’ll feel better,” Natasha soothed, her fingers still working at Barnes’ jacket. 

Tony scoffed. “Who exactly are you talking about, here?”

“Both of you.” Natasha jerked open Barnes’ jacket. “Bucky will feel better after a shower, and Tony will feel better doing something concrete.”

“Don’t make him do this.”

Natash smiled at Barnes. “I can’t make Tony Stark do anything.”

“Damn straight,” Tony muttered. He reached out slowly, but Barnes didn’t flinch this time when Tony started unlacing his boots.

“I don’t understand,” Barnes said softly. “You hate me.”

Tony froze for a moment, then we went back to sliding Barnes’ foot out of the shoe. “Hate is a strong word.” He unlaced the other boot, slid it off, and set it aside. 

Barnes had been a victim of brainwashing. He understood and didn’t, he thought, hold it against the guy. But that video played in loops in Tony’s brain at night, watching that hand reach out to strangle his mom. If Natasha’s goal was to get Tony to apologize for what went down in Siberia, it would be a cold day in hell. 

“We don’t really know each other, Barnes. I reserve my hatred for more important people. Like those who drink the last of the coffee without starting a new pot.”

Barnes huffed a sorry excuse for a laugh. 

Tony worked the bloodstained socks off next, noticing out of the corner of his eye how Barnes grasped the covers of the bed. Not that it stopped his hands from shaking.

Natasha had worked down to stripping off his tank top. 

“I suppose -” Barnes took a quick gasping gulp. “I suppose you should call me Bucky, since you’re undressin’ me ‘n all.”

Tony chuckled, a small thing. “Suppose that means you should call me Tony. Since I’m stripping you, and all.”

Tony gave a careful glance up at Barnes’ face - up at _Bucky’s_ face. Bucky did a careful nod, and that was that.

“Gold star, boys. That was very well done. Very manly.”

“Fuck you,” Bucky said without heat. 

“Look how fast we’re getting along and agreeing,” Tony said as he glared up at Nat. “Fuck you.”

Natasha smiled and her hands went to the buckle of Bucky’s pants. 

“Hey!” Bucky’s hand snapped out and trapped hers. “What the hell?”

“You aren’t going to shower with your pants on.”

“I can handle it,” Bucky growled. 

“Okay then.” Natasha’s voice was calm and she slipped her hands out of his grip. 

Tony stood, his knees cracking, because not even the softest carpet stopped that anymore. 

“Are you fine to shower alone?” Natasha asked Bucky, and Tony used all of his experience to not react to that statement. 

He knew there was _something_ between Natasha and Bucky, something special. A secret that Tony had no part in. It was Natasha’s comfort in Bucky’s space, too similar to the special bond Natasha had with Clint and too far from the warm friendship she shared with Steve. 

Tony didn’t need to know, either. He wasn’t the one getting into that shower. 

“Yes,” Bucky said, looking away from both of them. Then, quieter, “Thank you.”

Tony nodded, though Bucky wasn’t watching. Tony was the one who watched, as Bucky bee-lined for the bathroom and closed the door. 

“Thank you,” Natasha said, her voice as soft as Bucky’s. “Please don’t regret what you did today.” 

“Don’t thank me.” He didn’t deserve that. 

Natasha yanked his head to hers, slowing on the landing so that their foreheads pressed softly together. “Thank you, Tony Stark.”

Tony didn’t dare breathe. There had been an almost, back when Tony was dying of palladium poisoning and Natasha had been Natalie Rushman, before Tony and Pepper had become a thing. There had been an almost, after Tony and Pepper had split, when it had been Tony and Natasha fighting with everything they had to keep the team together. 

This felt like another almost.

It tasted like one too, when Natasha laid a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. An in-between kiss, not committed to either the cheek or the mouth. It was up to Tony to decide.

But before, Natasha had chosen SHIELD, and then Natasha had chosen Steve, and now Natasha would choose Bucky. 

Tony didn’t blame her, but he didn’t have to wait around for that inevitable conclusion. 

“I’m going to go,” Tony said, pulling back.

Her hand slipped from his neck, and she stayed where she was as Tony slowly backed away. It wasn’t until he’d backed completely out of the bedroom that their gazes broke.

When Tony made it back to the peace and safety of the elevator, he collapsed against the wall. 

“What the ever fucking hell?” he whispered to the ceiling. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Bucky Barnes Bingo square Y4 : Hand-holding

Natasha gave Bucky a few more minutes alone and then a courtesy knock before she entered the bathroom. 

His shower door was glass, just as hers was. No curtains for someone to hide behind, which meant Bucky was visible, curled into a ball on the floor of the shower. His head was buried in his knees as water rained down on him. 

With a soft exhale, she padded over. 

“Don’t,” Bucky warned when she opened the shower door. 

She sat down on the cold tiles outside the shower, her knees bumping into the frame. He would have his space, though she left the door open with the humid air wafting by her. She could taste how hot the water was, and was grateful to be out of the way of the spray. 

“You won’t be able to hide in here forever,” she said with amusement that she didn’t feel. 

Bucky shivered. 

“Steve will find me soon enough. Ask what the hell happened.”

“We can handle that.”

“ _ We _ ?” Bucky barked a laugh.

“We were a team once,” Natasha reminded him. Sometimes Bucky seemed to remember, and sometimes he didn’t. 

If he didn’t, now might be the time to show her hand and get Bucky’s journals as proof. He wouldn’t appreciate that she knew both where they were and what was in them, but she’d had to know. 

She’d needed to know what he remembered of her. Whether it was just the one shot he’d taken through her to reach his target, if it was everything  _ before _ , or if there was nothing. Memories were tricky things. 

Now she knew. Sometimes, he remembered before. Sometimes he didn’t. But she desperately needed now to be one of those times he did. 

“Not like this,” Bucky answered, and Natasha hid her relief. 

Bucky remembered. It hadn’t been like this. Neither of them had been trying to save the world for one, only themselves. But also neither of them were quite as desperate as last time. Last time had been a bid for freedom from the Red Room. They’d relied only on each other. 

Now it was only Bucky’s freedom at stake, and he didn’t seem willing to fight that hard for it. 

“We have Tony now,” Natasha said. 

They had a whole team, too, but better not to drag them into this. Better to keep it between the three of them. As much as Natasha thought Steve would understand, she wasn’t willing to risk it. Steve didn’t need any more ammunition against the Accords, and she couldn’t trust him to wield the weapon of this secret well, not when Steve would point this one straight at Tony. 

And here she was again, her loyalties divided. Trying to keep the team together, no matter the cost. 

It was working, she told herself. Or, it  _ would  _ work. 

“We,” Bucky mocked again. 

“You heard him. He wouldn’t lie to spare your feelings.” 

Bucky shook his head, his forehead scraping his knees. 

“What’s your play here?” he asked.

“I’m thinking noxious gas. That would help explain the explosion, as well as both a sudden onset of...symptoms, and rapid recovery.”

Bucky shook his head again. “This is bullshit and you know it.”

“There’s nothing to be gained by letting you take the fall for what happened back there. All of the things Tony and I and - hell, the whole damn team! - have sacrificed to keep us together and the world safe. We need to stay together.” There was only the briefest of pauses before she’d dared utter the name. “Yasha.”

She watched Bucky’s shoulders tense for one long moment, and then he relaxed.

Natasha pushed her advantage and crawled into the shower, her clothes getting soaked. The water raining down was still painfully hot, but she bore the flecks of heat against her skin as she moved to Bucky’s right side. 

She ran a hand down Bucky’s arm, and he let her pull his hand away from where it was wrapped around his legs so that she could hold it in hers. 

“You need help, not punishment. We can work on this so it never happens again. Even Tony knows things can only get worse if we involve the Committee. The team can stay together if we do this.”

She squeezed Bucky’s hand. He didn’t look at her.

“Secrets push people apart, Natalia,” Bucky said. 

“Shared secrets can pull people together.” 

Bucky snorted his disbelief. “And Stark wants to be closer to me?” 

Natasha threaded her fingers through Bucky’s.

“I let Tony make his own decisions.”

“That doesn’t sound like the little spider I remember,” Bucky murmured, so quietly that Natasha almost didn’t hear him. 

She smiled. He gave her too much credit. “You should get up.” She got to her feet and tugged at him. “You still need to be clean. You’ll feel better.”

“That’s quite the promise,” Bucky said as he slowly unfolded and stood up. 

They stared at each other for a moment. Natasha tried not to take in the view. They were used to each other, as ex-lovers and teammates, and his body shouldn’t distract her. 

But Bucky was naked and there was still that draw, that itch to step closer. To kiss him. To remember what they had. 

Bucky stepped back, dropping her hand. Natasha didn’t follow him. 

“I’ll be right out,” Bucky said, and turned away. 

Natasha didn’t let herself linger and stepped out of the shower. Her skin had gotten used to the hot water, which hadn’t dropped a single degree in temperature, but she was glad to be able to stand out of its path. And to breathe air that was less wet. 

“That’s quite the promise,” she told him. 

She started peeling herself out of her wet clothes. She was aware enough to know that Bucky didn’t peek, though whether that was because of his lack of interest or the preoccupation of his thoughts, she couldn’t be sure. She wrapped her hair and her body in Bucky’s towels. 

By then Bucky was stepping out of the shower himself. She handed him a fresh towel, and he dried himself off and then wrapped the towel around his waist.

“Better?” Natasha asked. 

His face was pale and waxen, and he looked more drained then when he’d stepped off the QuinJet. But there was more light in his eyes, which told Natasha her answer even before Bucky replied with a slight nod. 

“Thank you,” Bucky said. 

Natasha rested her hand on his arm - the metal one, this time.

“You don’t need to thank me,” she murmured. 

“I do.” Bucky’s gaze bored into hers, and she gripped his arm rather than stumble back like her body wanted to. “We’re not the same anymore. You’re - you’re better. And more resilient than I ever was. You bent and kept going and,” he looked away, “I just broke.”

“We’re all broken,” Natasha was quick to reply. “Every person on this team, me included. So don’t worry too much, okay? We’re going to stick together, and we’re going to be okay. The only thing you need to worry about is hanging on.”

Bucky almost gave her a smile. She could see the shadow of it on his face. 

“And figuring out how to lie to Steve,” Bucky added.

“And that,” she agreed softly. 

She offered him a smile, and he even returned it. A small one, but she felt a thrill of success. They would be okay. 

Bucky led the way out of the bathroom. He tensed, and Natasha froze. In the next moment , Natasha was stepping forward and Bucky was relaxed. 

“Steve,” she greeted with a polite smile. 

“Nat,” Steve returned.

The Accords Committee had not been kind, not with the exhaustion painted across Steve’s face. He was still in the cargo pants of his uniform, though he’d at least stripped down to a tank top. His hair was matted with sweat and dirt, and Natasha wondered if Steve and Bucky’s friendship was repaired enough for Steve to have walked into the bathroom. 

Steve frowned and crossed his arms, though he looked more contemplative than judgemental. 

“You two look clean,” Steve offered, his gaze flicking back to Bucky. 

“That’s the point of showers,” Bucky replied. “Could use one yourself.”

“I wanted to check on you first. Medical said they cleared you already.”

Bucky shrugged. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Buck -”

“I’m tired,” Bucky interrupted, and Natasha didn’t think the exhaustion in Bucky’s voice was faked. “Long day. Physically, I’m good.”

“It’s the rest of you I’m worried about,” Steve said. 

“I’m… Tasha helped,” Bucky dodged.

Steve’s attention went back to her, and Natasha tilted her head up to meet it. Steve raised an eyebrow, and she copied. Steve looked away first, and she smirked. 

“If you don’t mind, we weren’t quite done,” Natasha said. 

Steve cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. “Can we talk tomorrow, Buck?”

“Sure,” Bucky said, clearly relieved.

Steve’s brow furrowed, but he only nodded, bid them goodnight, and left.

They didn’t say anything until after they’d both dressed, with Natasha swimming in some of Bucky’s clothes. He walked her to the elevator, a double-check that Steve hadn’t decided to hang around to see if Natasha would spend the night. 

But Bucky’s floor was empty except for them. 

“I don’t know that I’m worth all this,” Bucky said quietly. 

“You are,” Natasha said without an ounce of hesitation. She’d considered that question already and came up with her answer hours ago. 

She leaned up and kissed Bucky on the corner of his mouth. The same spot that she’d kissed Tony. The same intention behind the move, the same question asked. 

Bucky gave her a soft smile, and Natasha’s heart fluttered. 

She always had a plan, but now she had hope.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky Barnes Bingo square K1 - insomnia

Bucky was not looking forward to the new day. 

He’d gotten snatches of sleep, short moments where his brain allowed him to rest before it filled his nose with the scent of blood or his eyes with the image of broken bodies. Sometimes he felt the faint sensation of a throat being squeezed in his grip, even though he could see his hands were empty again. 

He had watched the clock tick, minute by minute as the hours dragged by. He could function on little sleep. That wasn’t what concerned him. 

Dread pooled in his stomach as the sun crested over the horizon and the new day dawned. The Accords Committee would be summoning him to recount his actions of the mission. Yesterday’s trip to medical bought him one night of peace, and he was lucky for that much. 

After the Committee, he’d have to face Steve. 

Or maybe Steve was already waiting for him under the guise of checking in and cooking breakfast for him. Never had Steve’s pancakes sounded less appealing than they did this morning. 

Bucky levered himself out of bed and went to wash up, even as the dread tried to drag him back. 

He had a go bag under his bed, fully stocked. It was one of several stashed around the Compound, just in case. Just in case he needed to run. 

Steve wasn’t in the kitchen making his Breakfast Inquisition, and so Bucky’s brain fed him an escape route. He’d have a head start, precious minutes that he could utilize to stay ahead and remain ahead. 

He could leave this whole mess behind. He’d also be leaving Steve behind and the Avengers. He’d be leaving Natasha and throwing away what she’d done for him. Even Tony, who had come to his room last night with Natasha and told Bucky he didn’t hate him. 

Bucky would leave all of them behind along with the months of work to scratch out an attempt at a normal life, at finding a home, at figuring out who he was. He would go back on the run again, this time from friends. 

Was not facing the consequences of what he’d done worth it? 

He busied himself making a pot of coffee. He didn’t usually bother with the task, not for himself, since he’d need an IV line of caffeine for it to have any effect. But the smell of grounds as he dumped them in the filter was calming, and he could focus his attention on pouring water to the marked line with exacting precision. 

He couldn’t run until the coffee was made. 

Steve would follow him. Steve would follow and break everything that the Avengers were trying to build, and it would be Bucky’s fault again. 

He poured himself a cup of coffee. He couldn’t run until he’d drunk it all. 

Bucky didn’t want that guilt, and he didn’t want to split the team again. He’d done it ignorantly once, and he had no desire to repeat it with intention. Not when he was a part of that team now. 

Half of the coffee in his mug was gone. The hot liquid had managed to drip down into the solid block of dread that was still in his stomach and smooth away the sharp corners. 

They could be a team, Natasha had said, the two of them. Or three, with Tony, who had also protected him yesterday. Bucky had seen the types of things Tony Stark was capable of - what would it like to be on Tony’s side for once? Was he willing to ruin what Natasha and Tony had already done for him?

The first cup of coffee was gone, and Bucky poured himself a second. 

He wasn’t going to run. Not today. He wasn’t willing to break everything for his own selfishness. 

And all that aside, he didn’t deserve the escape. 

Bucky grabbed some breakfast to eat as he sipped his second cup of coffee. He wasn’t hungry, but he knew it was better to feed his metabolism before it bit him in the ass. Especially if he had to face down the Accords Committee sometime today and recount some version of what happened. 

“Noxious gas,” Bucky rehearsed under his breath. 

The elevator doors opened, and Bucky stiffened. That strident pace with footsteps of determination could only belong to Steve. 

Bucky braced himself. 

“Did you meet with the Committee already?” Steve’s skepticism was written all over his face. 

“Good morning to you too,” Bucky drawled. “And no, not yet, why?” Curious, he grabbed his tablet and brought up his emails. He hadn’t expected activity this early in the morning, but there the email sat, time-stamped an hour ago from the administrator of the Committee. 

Bucky frowned as he scanned the email. It didn’t contain a meeting time, instead detailing that he’d been cleared from the post-action debriefs and no further action on his part was currently required - other than his silence over the events of yesterday’s mission. 

His part of the mission was now classified, and not even the rest of the Avengers had clearance to know. 

Bucky almost whistled his appreciation and wondered how Natasha pulled that trick off. 

“I just got the email saying they’d finalized their reports. Yesterday they were very clear about wanting your testimony.” Steve was confused, but Bucky heard the hint of suspicion poking out. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky answered honestly. And what a relief that was.

It was hard to lie to Steve. Even the desire to lie made Bucky feel guilty, with all that he’d put his friend through. Steve could repeat the phrase that it wasn’t Bucky’s fault until the end of time, but the acts still weighed on him. He’d done those things. He didn’t want to keep adding to that with lying to Steve. 

But not telling Steve the complete truth - that didn’t bother Bucky so much. Even with the oldest memories he had, the ones that felt most like that person he’d never be again, he didn’t tell Steve everything. He’d held back on sharing the fights, going hungry, schoolboy boredom - the war. 

Natalia. _Natasha_. 

As long as Steve didn’t know to ask, then Bucky didn’t have to figure out how to lie. 

Bucky saw Steve’s mouth open to ask the next question, and Bucky handed the tablet over. “It says I can’t tell you.” 

Steve’s puzzlement grew as he read the brief email. And reread it, Bucky noted, as he followed Steve’s gaze. 

“Classified?” Steve’s voice was cold. “We’re a _team_. What the hell kind of -”

The elevator doors opened again. Bucky heard Nat’s voice. “I had a plan.”

“And I had a better one.” Tony backed out of the elevator, hands spread in declaration of his innocence as he smirked at Natasha. “Are you complaining? Really? And you call me the egotistical one -”

“Steve, hello,” Natasha said shortly. 

Tension spread across Tony’s shoulders for a fraction of a second, and then it was gone. 

Natasha whisked past Tony and into Bucky’s kitchen. “Just the person I need to tell Tony what an ass he’s being.” 

She got a mug from Bucky’s cupboard and poured herself a cup, the last of the pot. She glared at Tony as she took a sip. 

“That’s cold,” Tony said. “And Steven is my co-captain! We’re doing such a fine, upstanding job of presenting a united front. I can’t imagine he would lower himself to petty name calling, that would be simply -”

“You’re being an ass,” Steve said. “What did you tell the Committee?”

Tony feigned being startled. “That their provisions for underaged enhanced persons are archaic and we won't have any part in enforcing illegal and morally bankrupt child labor. Don’t you listen when I give updates?”

Steve turned to Natasha. “Then it was you.”

She raised an eyebrow. “No, Tony is definitely the one who talks to the Committee like that.”

Steve’s shoulders went back, and his jaw clenched. “Something is going on, and someone better tell me about it. Why is the Committee classifying Bucky’s part in yesterday’s mission? I thought we didn’t keep secrets anymore.”

“Steve,” Bucky started.

“You’re upset and I’ll let that slide because wow, it is too early in the morning to deal with that,” Tony said with a flash of an insincere smile. “A thing that I know is going on is that there’s no coffee, and I have to admit I’m upset about it.” He pouted at Natasha. “You did that entirely on purpose, and it hurts.”

Bucky went to the coffeemaker and threw out his old grounds. He put in a new filter and scooped out a fresh helping of ground coffee, then refilled the water. He set it to percolate and caught Tony’s fleeting smile - sincere, this time - out of the corner of his eye. 

Bucky’s chest warmed.

“What about your plan, then?” Steve didn’t look mollified. “The one that was better than Natasha’s.”

“So he thinks,” Natasha interjected.

“You’re up to something,” Steve continued, eyeing her.

“I’m always up to something. I like to stay busy.” Natasha perched on the counter top and took another sip of coffee.

“Nat, come on,” Steve said, voice quiet. 

Tony jumped in, voice falsely cheerful. “Sorry Prince Charming, but I need your Buckling out in front of the cameras.” 

Steve and Nat both went still, and Bucky realized he’d done the same. 

Tony sniffed. “I just think it would be good to do a little more solid work there. A tour of the circuit, whatever circuit appeals. Hospitals are always good, and the kids are great. There’s also veterans, of course, or even zoos if people aren’t the thing.”

Steve’s fist clenched, turning his knuckles white. “Bucky, what do you think?” he asked through gritted teeth. “You don’t have to be up for anything like that. _No one_ is going to force you.” Steve tilted his chin up, inviting Tony to argue. 

Bucky pretended to consider the idea even as his stomach erupted with nerves at having to talk to people. He could handle the farmer’s market fine, but there he was just a man. With this, he’d have to be the reformed Winter Soldier who was repenting for when he brainwashed into committing acts of treason. 

“I’ll think about it,” he said softly, even as he hoped it was only a cover story. 

“There. See? All good!” Tony took a step toward Steve, his smile sharp. 

The twitch of Natasha’s fingers gave away her annoyance, but she stayed silent. 

“Sorry I can’t get rid of all those strings for you. Fact of life. Actions have consequences.”

Bucky winced, and Steve’s expression went livid as he saw it. He stepped forward to meet Tony’s challenge, shoulders back and jaw clenched. 

“Yeah, we’re all learning that now, aren’t we, Tony?”

“I seem to recall learning it a lot earlier, but you know, there’s always a remedial student.”

Natasha slid quietly off the counter.

“Now who's the one slinging insults?” Steve goaded. 

“You first.”

Steve laughed. “Yeah, like that’s the mature argument -”

“You want to talk about mature? How about -”

“Boys!” Natasha stepped between them, her back to Steve. She fixed Tony with a pointed glare. “How about you stop before you say things you’ll regret? Somehow I don’t think this little squabble you’re having is going to get any better.” 

“You think I’ll regret it?” Tony chuckled. “Captain Righteous over here doesn’t think I have the _heart_ to regret it.”

“You said it, not me.” Steve shook his head. “We’re supposed to be on the same side, Tony. We’re supposed to be working together -”

“I’m damn well doing my best,” Tony hissed. “But the same side can’t always be _your_ side.”

Steve’s face flushed red. “I have done everything you’ve asked, including wait out this bullshit with the Accords Committee because you keep promising to fix it -”

“I’m trying -” Tony insisted.

“Enough!” Bucky had to shout to be heard. 

They turned to stare at him. Even Natasha blinked in surprise. 

He cleared his throat. “My floor, my rules. You want to argue, you go somewhere else.”

The fresh pot of coffee was finished, and he refilled his mug. He grabbed Natasha’s cup and topped it off, all while they watched him in silence.

Then he grabbed a new mug and filled it with coffee. He handed it to Tony. 

Secrets pushed people apart, except for those who shared them. 

Steve’s gaze flicked from coffee mug to coffee mug. He waited a long moment, but Bucky didn’t pour his best friend a cup. 

Bucky couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“I’ll see you at training this afternoon,” Steve said stiffly. Then he left. 

Natasha sighed and collapsed into a chair. “Well that wasn’t obvious.”

Bucky pushed the coffee so it was within her reach. 

“It’s fine,” Tony said, though his voice was pitched a little too high for believability. “No big deal, we can -”

“That’s Steve Rogers you just tipped off that something is going on,” Natasha insisted. “And riled him up, thank you very much for that.”

“It was distracting, and besides, he already knew something was going on,” Tony argued. “You thought he would just what, forget that Barnes was screaming over the comms yesterday?” He winced. “Sorry.”

Bucky set his cup down with more intention on the placement than the act usually required. His throat was healed now, but it was all too easy to recall the raw feeling as he screamed. 

“I told you. It’s Bucky.” He sighed and met Natasha’s evaluating look. “And he’s right. Steve knew anyway.”

She snorted. “I had a plan. If you’d just - if you’d trusted me -”

“I do trust you,” Tony said, his mouth almost tripping over the words.

Natasha snorted, but there was a tightness around her eyes. She wanted it to be true. 

“I do,” he insisted. “Mostly, or some, I mean, what should I do, rank your trust level on a spectrum? Look, Bucky lying to the Committee wasn’t the best plan.” 

“You prostrating yourself on Ross’ mercy is?” Natasha replied. “You were reckless. If we’d just -”

“Lied,” Tony finished. “I know, it’s what you do best.” It came out fond, and Bucky smiled into his cup. 

Natasha shook her head, but her tone was just as fond. “Careful, Tony, your hypocrisy is showing.” 

“I -” 

“And you can trust Bucky too,” she insisted.

That pulled Tony up short. “I… know that,” he said, his gaze flicking over to Bucky. “I know, to some degree, what you’re capable of. It wasn’t distrust, it was - I could fix this. Now it’s done.”

“You didn’t have to,” Bucky said as he stared down at his coffee. Would he ever be able to feel anything other than guilt? What price did Tony have to pay? 

“I know that too.” Tony’s lips quirked up in a small smile. “And it’s not so many favors. I never knew Natasha to be so prone to drama. It’s all shit I probably would’ve had to do anyway, but now Ross can gloat and think he’s getting extra perks. I can handle it.”

Natasha didn’t seem placated. “Does Ross know there’s something to cover now?”

Tony grimaced. “He may think super soldiers have an acute sensitivity to a few chemical compounds, but wear a mask for a few missions and it should be fine.” Tony wiped his face. “If someone wants to figure out how to convince Steve to wear one… well, that’ll be a fun challenge. We can’t tell Steve the truth or he’ll flip, and he’ll know the sensitivity is a lie. Someone else can handle that, please.”

Bucky shook his head and started laughing, imagining trying to force Steve into a Winter Soldier mask. Relief almost pushed him into complete hysterics. He didn’t care whether Ross thought he was weak, or even about the bad press pictures when he was back in the full mask. 

Steve he could handle. It would be merely tricky since Natasha and Tony had handled the impossible. 

“It’s not a bad plan,” Bucky told Natasha. “As long as he’s not lying about the favors. And I do appreciate not having to face the Committee.”

Natasha tapped her nails on the counter. “If we’re a team, then we tell each other the plan.”

“It was a limited window of opportunity,” Tony defended, but then he cleared his throat. “But, uh, point taken.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow at Natasha. She gave the slightest of nods. 

“Good then,” he said softly. “And thank you, both. I appreciate it.”

“We might have to return to that PR issue now,” Natasha warned. “It’s a wonder that worked, the story was weak.”

Tony tugged his tie loose and took the seat next to Natasha. “Best I could come up with at the time.” He pushed his empty coffee cup across the counter to Bucky. “I don’t suppose I could rely on your gratitude to pour me another cup of coffee?”

Bucky smiled. “I suppose you could.”

He poured Tony’s cup full and, on the next refill, went about making another pot. 


End file.
